Marc and I are in BIG trouble...

Marc and I are in BIG trouble when life starts getting harder for our kids. When we went to the exhibition a few weeks ago there was a place to get your face painted. Madeline was very excited, gave her loonie to the lady, and told her she wanted to be a clown. I think Marc mentioned this on his blog that week, but anyway, she ended up looking like Zena Warrior Clown. It made us so sad. She didn't even see herself, but we could tell she just wasn't excited because the week before she had come home from a kids day at the park where she got her face painted like a tiger and she "Grrrrrr!!!!!"ed at us that whole night. So Marc and I were both on the verge of tears because of that.

Today Marc and Madeline are going on a little adventure down to the library. We had mentioned to her that she and daddy were going to take the bus down (two adventures in one). But the morning was getting late and Marc has other things to do today, so we thought maybe they should take the bus another day. Of course 15 seconds later Madeline comes in all excited in her "library clothes" with her little Dora lunch box saying "Daddy, I'm ready to go on the bus". Well, how can you say no... So we quickly checked the PA bus system on the internet. We couldn't quite figure it out at first and then Marc realized that the bus was coming in 2 minutes. Marc rushed to get his stuff together and his shoes on and they were out the door.

Now, apparently there is no longer a bus stop right across the street from us anymore, so Marc didn't know where to go. I told him to hurry and get down to the other stop about a block down. They made it, and as they were walking I noticed the wheelchair bus that I always see in the day drive by. I thought, "Oh good, the big bus will be by in a minute", as that's what usually happens. So I'm holding Luke and standing at the end of the driveway in my pyjamas watching them down there, waiting to see Madeline jump up and down and get excited as soon as she sees the bus.

5 minutes pass... no bus. 10 minutes pass... I've since grabbed the videocamera to capture this "memory moment", and am holding Luke in one hand and the camera in the other (not an easy feat in itself). 15 minutes pass... Luke starts getting fussy so I run and put him in the exersaucer. When I get outside again he starts crying, but not too bad. 5 minutes pass... Luke is now very noisy and I remember that it is about time for him to eat. So I go back into the house, sit on the ottoman by the window, Luke nursing on one side and me still poised with the video camera in the other hand. 5 minutes pass... the camera keeps turning off every few minutes because I'm not doing anything with it, so I try to hold Luke with my elbow and turn the camera on again several times over. 3 minutes pass... Luke finishes one side and now needs to eat from the other side, which is of course the hand that I need to hold the video camera with. Now, so far it's been bad enough that he is being extremely fidgety while eating and will come off at the slightest movement (ie. me lifting up the camera every 10 seconds when I hear that a car is coming), but now I have that and a baby and a video camera to hold in the same hand, a baby that is latching off so often that I figure the whole neighbourhood has probably gotten a nice view of the "Vanderboob", and a plant that I cannot reach to move that is obscuring my camera shot if the blasted bus every actually comes.

5 minutes pass... Luke is now finished eating. I decide to run the digital cameara out to Marc and Madeline so he can get some cool pictures of them on the bus. I quickly put on a sweater, grab the stroller, put Luke in, have the video camera underneath and the digital camera over my shoulder and proceed to the street. When I get to the end of the drive way I see Marc's foot, as he gets onto the bus... the bus that drove past them as they were looking for the bus stop 35 minutes earlier!!! Ya that's right. Madeline's first "bus" adventure was on a glorified Dodge Grand Caravan. Well, not really. But it does look like a handicap bus. Not like the big buses that they had when I was a kid.

So I was choked. Mad that they had missed the bus, and sad that it wasn't really a bus at all. I took Luke for a walk to get out some of that frustration and clear my head. And as I walked I thought: my kids are in for a lot of disappointments in their lives. And if something like this is going to make me upset I need to buck up, in a real hurry. I know that every adventure isn't going to be perfect, every day isn't going to be a magical new experience, but to look into Luke and Madeline's big blue eyes and see their excitement over things, it makes me sad when things like this don't go the right way... Let alone, when we have to burst their little bubble about the world and they find out that there are rapists and kidnappers and murderers out there.

What an emotional thing it is to be a parent. The love you have for your kids makes you hurt so much for them. And there's a bittersweetness to it all -- because you share in all the highs, you know that the lows will hurt all the more. But because you feel the hurt so bad for them, you know how inexplicably deep your love and care is for them.